have u ebeh heardz uv clozin a gddaned doorz?
by Miss Tearious
Summary: Jezuz/judaz slash pairin.dai aer in luv
1. Chapter 1

Jezuz sat on his bed of hey angrily lissenin to hiz blessed iPod playin im nawt okai i promise by MCR. Hiz fathuh da guud lawd didn't let him go to a panic at da disko concert jezuz asked to go wiff his band Jesus and the but gawd raped him and said no.

"Jezuz, where art theez?" o lawd, it waz hiz fathuh he stashed hiz iPod unduh hiz black sheetz wiff murlin manzon on it cuz god might raep him if he noo he hadz it. Jesus snuck out through da window and got on his black camal named sabyyth and road away.

jezuz stopped and took out a wattah bottle "jezuz what you doin?" a voice riddled wiff concern asked jezuz looked up to see his BFFL judas take the watah away cuz judas knoo hiz friend waz onli gonna turn into whiskey n drink himself to death agen n get resurrected and hiz dad would raep n ground him again.

Jezuz started to cry n dat maed hiz masscara n eyelinuh run down hiz cheekz judaz pulled hiz thin frame into an embrace n while judazwaz distracted n weeped wiff jezuz, jezuz quickly turned hiz tierz to pure liquid LSD and likked them while hiz frnd waznt lewkin aftuh 20 hitz of holy LSD tearz judaz tore away frum da embrace n tewk jezuz's skar n kutt riddled wrist in2 hiz own handz "whi kant u see what you're doin to thouzself?" judas asked he looked into jezuz'z emmeraled eyez dat reminded him of emmeraledz nd were brawt out by da eye linuh jezuz alwayz adorned jesus noticed judasz gaze and flipped hiz side fringe dat had bloo dyed koolaid streakz in it blushed and looked away he waz wearin cltohez frum hawt tawpik

"hey jezuz? judas said "yah?" said jezuz "i waz thinkin... you're golf n hawt n sxc... im golf n hawt n sexc i gaWTn idea

"wat?" asked jezuz "whi dun we go out?

"okay" said jezuz "letz go to your stable and lissen to hawthorn heightz so we can kri n maek our tearz lube so we can sex"

N hiz stable lissnenin to da mooziks dat waz REAL golfz moozik like MCR and murlin manson not preppy poser sh*t liek Bauhauz n Siouxise sioux. Jezuz saw dat Judaz waz REALLY bigz he had a bonuh dat waz almozt as big as Jesus'z jew nozeh den when judaz penetratedz jezuz jezuz moaned n exlaxy dey "oh gawd, oh gawd" jezuz "jezuz datz too kreepy" said judaz. "oh sarree" "OH JEUZUZ" judaz yelled az he finished den rolled off "hey ab gonna maek a sammich frum da kitchen cuz ab hungreE" he said "i want one too" said jezuz "darez only enuff for one" said judaz jezuz smiled at him and turned da sammich into 2 dei smiled at each ovah dei waz in luv


	2. Chapter 2

(**A/N**: I'd liekz to thank meh fanz gawd blezz u awl. I'd alzo liek to giv a shout out to Jezuz foar blessin I wiff da idea for dizz stori while I waz prayin at Jezuz Camp *tearz ob joi* I luv praiin n sangin n church. I'd alzo liek to thank Gawd for meh writin prowezz. ThAnx GaWd 3)

Da next mornin at hoem aftuh sex jezuz put on hiz long blakk robe dat hadz a hood on it wiff a big pikture uv amy lee frum evanezence he decidedz to wear hiz crown ob thornz cuz he'z juzz hXc liek dat, n fastned hiz sandlez dat were black n he wish he'd wear bootz ninstead uv sandlez becuz dey're moar golf but jezuz iz n israel n dei dun maek bootz dare n he can't haz dem ordered off da internet cuz it'd be frum da internet n isreal aer terroriztz he put pentagramz on hiz robe he kood get raeped for dat but he waz a rebel so he didn't caer, he convertedz to satinizm cuz he went agenzt hiz fadduh n worshipped silkly fabric

He hadz two sneek out ob da houze befoar da firzt raep n beatinz (wiff a belt ob courze) ob da mornin to meet up wiff judaz

judaz hadz hiz dyed blakk hairz hanginz partly n hiz face n sum of it waz bloo hiz roabz hadz a big heartagramz on it n he hadz to wear sandlez two cuz we're terroriztz

Da one eye i kood see waz mysteriuz n golfik n madez I frozen n plaec

"we're so rebeliuz" said judaz

"yah" I agreedz geddin awff my camal sabbyth that i waz rydin on dizz whole tiem. n den we maed sex n da middle ob da dezert becuz we're so h tiemz c n it'z juzz hawter n publik

"Jezuz! Get yo nigga azz drezzed n out ob da dirt befoar I beat yo' bitch ass iz tiem for bible skool, ho!" said Mary Jezuz'z mawm.

:

"how lawngz waz you there?" i asked mi mawm disturbedly

"I'll waitz forever foar u, mi luv" saidz judaz az i road wiff mi mawm to bIbLez skool "Jezuz I tellz you erreh mothuh f*kkin tiemz two taek da munny up front"

"our luv iz free, mawm" I sai

"yo mama's foar free" said my mawm

"?" I said

my mawm didn't hear I

So when I tewk mi dezk n bible skoolz I waz da lazt one dare n I sat side wayz at my unkept dezk cuz datz hao rebeliuz homosexualz sit

I scoped da clazz whyle da teachah sistuh nun waz talkinz cuz aba golf n our hardcorenezz keepz uz frum payin attenshinz n I worshipped satin nsted ob mi dadz any waiz

Den my eyez stopped at da mozt piercin poolz ob coal I ebeh seen floz of white blondez soft curlz flowed oba her bodi liek a swimmin pool

she hadz on a murlin manzon shirt cuverin her curvy boddee "hey dazz a rebeliuz band" I said cuzz I waz sittin by her

"yaahz you lewk rebeliuz" her voice hadz a wavy shake to itz wen she spoke n i found it veri seXc

"Mi Naem iz bootiful dodo birdz" she said dodo birdz were alive bakk den

"I liek ur pentagramz, gawd blezz satin" she said

I smiledz

"UH OHZ!" I though to miself "meh one luv iz for judaz wat I do"

I stawped n ponda'd What Would Jesus Do?

I asked myself

"g2g, by" I said n left da rewm da teechur didn't notice cuz i blended n wiff da wallz cuz ab a golf n golfz haz so much pain n their livez dei blend into wallz

I waz feeln nervuz so i took a 40 moar hitz uv LSD tierz wen I waz kalm n shur ob mi luv enuff I went to judaz'z shed, wen I gawt dare I heard talkin "ab gunna go to da kitchen n maekz a sammich cuz ab hungree" Mi HeArt sank /3

"get me won twoz" dat voice, it had da sExC wavinezz

"WTF!?" I yelledz wen i saw bootiful dodobirdsz (dei were alive bakk den) n Judaz n bed n smokin n eatin sammichez.

to be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

(**A/N**: ThaNx EverRionez 4 bein zo faifful *tierz ob joi* ur such gUd xtianzzz gawd blezz u PlZzzz prai for me ur prayerz iz fuel for mi stawriz aniwayz herez moar, amenz)

--

**Previously on Secret Life of the American Teenager**...

I waz feeln nervuz so i took a 40 moar hitz uv LSD tierz wen I waz kalm n shur ob mi luv enuff I went to judaz'z shed, wen I gawt dare I heard talkin "ab gunna go to da kitchen n maekz a sammich cuz ab hungree" Mi HeArt sank /3

"get me won twoz" dat voice, it had da sExC wavinezz

"WTF!?" I yelledz wen i saw bootiful dodobirdsz (dei were alive bakk den) n Judaz n bed n smokin n eatin sammichez.

--

JeZzuz Kried LZD tierz. "WTF IZ DAT?" said da wavery sXc voice. Judaz lewked up frum hiz sammich n sawed JeZuz n pain "waiT i kan explainz"

"hAo kan u do thiz 2 me" i kried bRoken heartfulyz

"we were gonna let U join but u were trippin on LZD tierz n thawt u were healin lepperz n walkin on watahz"

"but I'm the messiahz!" I yelled defenzively "i WuzN't trippin gawd gave me powerz but i dun have them animoar becuz gawd raeped me with kriptonitez and now i ab an average manz" the memoriez maed me kri harder

"o yea" said judaz n he tewk anothuh bite uv hiz sammich

"iz dat awl i wuz 2 u?! Why u treet me like a piece of meat-eth?"

"haet da gaem, babi, nawt da playa" Judaz said seduktively n even tho he wuz treatin i liek shit and wiff anothuh womanz i felt i could chanje him.

I ran hoem kryin n hopefullyz mi fathuh wud undastand mi painz n nawt raep me 2nite. But when I gawt dare mi whole familee n band wuz sittin on da couch maed of hay (jezuz maed it he'z a bad karpenter lol)

"Heyzeuss..." Gawd startid "ur friend judaz expressed to uz concernz uv ur sexuallityz iz it troo? Who'z cock blocking I?" hiz fathuh questionedz

"Thatz nawt fair! My luv was with judaz! You can ask my motherz she waz creepily watching uz while we were in da middle of makin luv!" Jesus triedz 2 explainz

everyone looked at mary

"Aw, hellz naw!" Mary done say. "I aint seen no buttseckz. No nigga ass son of minez gonna be takin it up the ass, that's some sick ass nigga shit, hoe!" Jezuz forgot hiz mother wuz a crakk whore and an unreliablez witnezz

"Judaz...." Jezuz beggedz "plz u have 2 tell them u luv me"

"Dun haet da playa, babi, hate da game" Judaz said and put hiz arm aroundz Bootiful Dodo birdz cooly. She wuz lookin at me wiff her coal black eyez dat held nuffin but coldnezz.

Jezuz hung hiz head n defeatz "u cant put a gender on luvz" he saw dat on a hxc golffik myspakk.

Gawdz eyez firedz withz rage! He raped jezuz and den ordered him 2 be crucifiedz. He didntz want a lazt supper cuz he waz also anorexik and he wud throw it awl up anyway... poor jezuz :(

Jezuz wuz buildinz a crozz n frunt of hiz family and everyone judaz and dodobirdz were no where 2 be sawed. Day emerged from da shed a little while later eatin sammichez

Jezuz's crippled heartz broke az he painted hiz crozz blakk. He wuz wearin a thorny crownz (juzt cuz he waz hxc liek thatz) and a loin clothz with linkin park on the fruntz

He wuz paintin the slipknot logoz on the back of the crozz when god ordered the nailz be hammered inz.

Jezuz liked painz because it made him feel real.

Judaz walked up 2 jesus while he wuz takin' hiz dyin breath

"Why hath thou forsaken me?" Jesus asked serially

"Dun haet da playa, babi, hate da gaem"....

"jezuz?" Judaz questioned after hearing no response.

he tried to shake him on the crozz but jezuz wuz a really bad karpenterz and it juzt fell over and broke

"Aw, shit, he's dead!" said judaz

**To be continued**...


	4. Chapter 4

(**A/N**: ok dizz chaptuhz izn't mi bezt. But Id liek to think awl mi fanz for bein such loyal xtianz and I wud liek to think mein german palz (colafleckz, i think) for making a movie verzion of my stawri on youtubez. Plz be gud little xtianz and lewk it up on youtubez. *Criez* it wuz so touchin even tho I couldn't undastand ani uv it. God blezz u colafleckz ur in mi prayerz God blezz all mi fanz! amenz I ab tryin dizz one n judaz POV by da wai)

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My legs felt crippled; I had no idea how long I've been on my knees, my hand extended to stroke the tomb in which his body lay. My heart sank to my stomach. I put him there. I betrayed him; I told his family in spite of knowing what his father would have put him through. I didn't know it would come to this, I swear I didn't. I had numbed myself during the crucifixion. I had acted so cold towards him. My head swarmed around everything I wish I could take back, everything I said to him, how I treated him.

My last words to him echoed in my head. I hope he hated me. After everything I put him through, I never deserved anyones love again. Why? Why I had I distanced myself from the only thing I had ever loved? Why had I cheated on the best thing that ever happened to me? Why can't I take it back?

The sun was setting again. How many times has that happened since I've been kneeling in front of his tomb? Three? Four, maybe? It's been days; I haven't eaten, I haven't slept and I was thirsty. None of that could excuse what impulsion drove me to do next...

That was never my first intention! All I had wanted to do was hold him, tell him I loved him. Whisper sweet nothings that I could lay him to rest for the rest of eternity. Perhaps leave with some peace, granted the guilt at what I had done would always eat away at me for the rest of my life. What I did before was nothing compared to what I was about to do.

I looked over my shoulder; no one around, not a soul for miles. I pushed the boulder with every bit of strength I had in me. Despite my exhaustion I managed to move it from the entrance. I stood petrified, I was afraid of facing him again. My cheeks felt wet, I brought my hands to them, how long had I been crying?

After what I thought to be an hours time I finally gathered the courage step into the tomb. I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust and my legs crippled underneath me again. I scanned the surroundings until I found Jesus. My angel, my beautiful, beautiful angel. I didn't feel strong enough to walk, but I crawled to his corpse.

Upon seeing his face I clapped a hand over my mouth to suppress a gasp, then with my other hand I reached to stroke his cheek. It was cold. His face was frozen, his eyes still open in fear, his mouth hung ajar and his eyes stared back up at me, unblinking; accusing.

I wanted to apologize. I wanted him to know I was sorry, for him to wake up, so he could hear my excuses, so he could shun me, hate me, spit at me. Anything...

I curled next to his corpse, I didn't care how cold and stiff his body was, I wanted him in

my arms. I started to kiss his cold cheek, then my lips wandered to his neck. I don't know why I did it, but nothing was stopping me. I couldn't control myself. He was so beautiful...

I whispered the nothings I've always wanted him to hear in his ears, I nibbled one of them my hands stroked his chest, my lips moved to his mouth. I kissed slowly at first and after a moments hesitation I slipped my tongue inside. It was cold and dry, until my tongue slipped across something squirming inside. I brought my tongue back into my mouth and moved my head to spit out a few maggots.

I took a moment to examine his corpse; he was only covered in a single piece of cloth draped around his waste. My hand moved downwards, I carressed his groin underneath the cloth and figured I wouldn't hear any objections if I wanted to remove it.

I slipped out of my own robes and rolled on top of him and my hand stroked my own crotch as I reached my free hand inside of him; fingering Jesus was a bitch after rigor mortis. I thrusted in an awkward pace and each time I brought my hand back it was covered in squished maggots.

I gave up, and decided oral would be a better choice but his cock smelled of rotting flesh and looked as if it were beginning to decay. I decided to be on the recieving end instead. His mouth wasn't open wide enough, it was quite difficult to force it to open wider but I finally succeeded in breaking his jaw. The skin around his mouth cracked and his face hung in an awkward position I began thrusting but it was to no avail as I could hardly feel anything. His mouth now hung too wide. Granted it was still tighter than Beautiful was.

Hmm, anal maybe? I flipped him over onto his stomach and was presented with yet another challenge: his legs wouldn't part. I tried anyway, but I couldn't get a good angle to slip into.

Perhaps I could make a hole some where else... I looked around the ground for a moment until I found a rock sharp enough to get the job done. I wasted no time and bashed a hole in his head that looked big and deep enough to get me where I needed to go. Some sort of liquid and a bit of brain matter began to leak out. I carefully picked a few big pieces of his skull out of my entrance. It was a big jagged but otherwise it would get me where I needed to go.

I slipped in slowly, it was mushy and cold, bits of his brain and some other sort of liquids oozed out of the sides. I shivered and moaned in delight. Success! I thrusted at a slow pace. I was trying to adjust to this new sensation. It was so different from any other sort of sex I had ever experienced.

I had found I quite enjoyed the feel of maggots squirming beneath my dick. His rotting brain caressed me in all the right places. It was actually much more pleasant than Beautiful's canyonesque cunt. Though not quite as warm and comfortable as anal with Jesus (pre-rigor mortis).

I slid in and out of his skull in a faster rhythm, I stroked the side of his face lovingly. As my pace quickened and thrusts became harder Jesus's head twisted a bit to the side beneath my hands and I heard a loud crack and stumbled slightly, I think I broke his neck. I moaned again and didn't let the inconvenience stop me.

I could of gone for hours but pulled out after I came in his skull. I pulled out and a rush of brains and semen spilled onto the ground Jesus' head lopped to his side, and I could tell by the angle I had indeed broke his neck.

I used his discarded cloth to wipe the brains, skull fragments and maggots off my dick. I wrapped my arms around Jesus' waste and kissed what was left of his forehead...

I needed a fucking sandwhich.


	5. Chapter 5

(A/N: ab so sarree pleaze forgive i for da hiatuz but I wuz distracted n jezuz wuz at burnin man with Ke$ha)

Jezuz crawled out uv da cave. "Wtf happened 2 mi neck" he wondered to himzelf. He put hiz brain n skullz bak 2 gether with hiz thorny crown. He kleaned semen out uv hiz earz with cue tipz n turned it in2 PCP to get high real quik.

Jezuz cried lsd tearz on da wai to hiz momz houze. He went home n hiz mawm wuz high on crack n thawt he wuz a zombie. "Mawm wtf stawp" jezuz said when mary wuz sawin off a shotgun riflez. "Wut happened" "Nigga u be crucified up in here, I dun want no devil zombie runnin round mi houze, hell naw" "mom ab jezuz" "i dun giv a fuk hoo u are, u taek da munny up frunt next tiem" "Wut?" I sed she juzt smoked some more crack so I went to find Judaz.

I found dem n da back of bootiful dodobirdz(dei were alive bak den) houze n dei were hidin easter eggz. "Wut r u guize doin" "o, hi jezuz" said judaz "lewk, ab sarree about given our luv awai. Ur dad bribed me with a million dollarz n lazer visionz, can thou ever forgive I" "yeah mi dad said i had 2 forgive everione or i'll get raped. Whi r u hidin eggz"

"we saw u come back to life" said bootiful dodobirdz(dei were alive bakk den) so we hid eggz n da bakk yard.

"Wut duzz dat hav 2 do with me comin bak 2 life?" I didnt undastand

"ur rite" said Judaz "dare shud be a bunni 2" I think dei were higher dan i wuz

before i had time 2 find a gud spawt romanz came n started whippin me! WTF i wuz 2 high 2 run n sum jewz knocked me unconsciouz n da romanz kept beatin i. lash aftuh lash with a bull whip thingz da jewz kept beatin i da lazt thing i saw before goin unconsciouz wuz judaz n mel gibzon eatin sammichez.


End file.
